oldschool CxC

Saturday, May 21, 2005

While on the comedian tip... Mitch Hedberg died a couple months back; I thought he was one of the funniest comedians around. He wasn't real famous because he had no desire to do anything other than standup. Some jokey jokes:
The flap on the inside of the vending machine is a great invention. Before that it was tough times for the vending machine owner. "Hey, which candy bar are you getting?" "That one... and every one on the bottom row."

I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him." .... I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole.

I went to a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me 'cause she asked how I'd like my eggs. So I tried answering her anyways. "INCUBATED! Then hatched, then raised, then beheaded, then plucked, then cut up, then put onto a grill, then put onto a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have the time. Scrambled!"

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey: man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on four billion! Fuck, seven! Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six. At least.

I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smell like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

Because of acid, I now know that butter is waaaaay better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.


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